THINGS I CAN'T F*CKING STAND - JANUARY

1. People who tell you that you made a mistake immediately after you messed up. YOU DON’T SAY, DIPSH*T?? I was the one who made the mistake, Cyclops - you think I didn’t f*cking notice?? What I was trying to do didn’t work – I think I figured it out all by myself that the reason it didn’t work was that I didn’t get something right. That’s usually the way it works, Captain Perfecto . If you truly, honestly believe I needed someone to tell me I made a mistake when the evidence was apparent to me instantly, you’re a f*cking undiagnosed Special Needs case who needs to be kept away from sharp objects and given a job mopping the floor at your local MacDonalds. If it’s a case of you simply not being able to contain your frustration at someone else making a mistake, try this on for size: get control of your emotions, you f*cking infant. Did you not get taught impulse control when you were in primary school like the rest of us?? GROW UP, c*nt.

2. Slow walkers on heavily-crowded footpaths who are completely aware of everyone struggling to get around them. The urge to smack these ignorant f*cks on the back of the head is well-nigh overwhelming.

3. People who subconsciously rate a person’s worth by their ability at a certain sport and act accordingly. Oh my f*cking god – these people have got to be slightly retarded. Surely. What the f*ck is with this? If someone’s not as fast / strong / accurate / smart at a sport as them, these mental midgets act like that person’s also got fewer social skills, a smaller d*ck, and a limited ability in anything else in life – in fact, they act as if that person’s kind of embarrassing to be seen talking to. You can often see this behavior manifesting itself when any given amateur sports team is in a bar after the game or, even more so, on a road trip. Quite possibly the most laughably pathetic behaviour on this entire list. More than worthy of a baseball bat to the side of the knees, just for the damage these kinds of people do to the poor pr*ck copping their shit.

4. Western society’s obsession with entertainers and the entertainment industry in general. GET……….. F*CKED. Honestly. How on f*cking earth did the f*cking court jesters become the most culturally influential and highest-paid members of society????? This unbelievably mindless sh*t has gotten so bad it makes me want to scream. I know for damn sure that we’re not all so moronic that we believe the movies are real and that music can end wars and cure poverty, so how in the name of Britney f*cking Spears did this gob-smackingly annoying situation come to be? Only two hundred years ago these pr*cks were travelling from town to town in shithouse caravans, starving and relying on the scraps thrown their way by the real powerbrokers in society. Today, they shape the attitudes and opinions of billions. For christ’s sake, people actually CARE what these emotional retards do and think and even who they’re dating!! These c*nts win the genetic lottery in the looks department but, in most cases, can barely think their way out of a wet paper bag, spend their entire careers doing nothing more worthwhile than playing dressups, pretending to be someone else and making pretty sounds or dancing around like they’re getting f*cked in the ass, yet everyone seems utterly fascinated by them. Oh sure, their agents and PR firms make sure they donate to charity and set up foundations in their name (which they have no chance of understanding how to operate and run, the poor simpletons), but sorry Oprah, that doesn’t make what you actually do to earn your money worth a bag of sh*t. Curing cancer? Cleaning up pollution? Fixing the root causes of poverty and worldwide financial inequality? Getting rid of nuclear weapons? Teaching people to not be so consumer-oriented? Ummmmm no, sorry, I’m, like, an ENTERTAINER. I, like, make people HAPPY, y’know. No wonder the world’s been getting f*cked up at a quicker rate in the last two hundred years than ever before in human history. Industrial Revolution and the corporations be damned, I lay the blame just as much at the feet of everyone who’s ever worshipped one of these painted chimps and contributed to their rise to the apex of the cultural foodchain. Who’s my hero?? F*ck off, idiot, just show me how we can improve things.

5. Andrew f*cking Bolt.

TV Producer #1: “Sh*t! We’ve only got one day til our panel show on (Topic X) and we still haven’t found anyone who disagrees with it!!!”

TV Producer #2: “I’ve had our researchers working day and night for the last two weeks trying to find someone with an alternative viewpoint, but it looks like there’s a consensus on (topic X).”

TV Producer #1: “Goddammit, we can’t have a round-table discussion on (topic X) unless there’s SOME kind of differing evidence or opinion. The network heads are going to kill me if we can’t create some sort of controversy around this – EVERYONE'S talking about (topic X) right now!!!”

TV Producer #2: “What are we going to do? The show’s tomorrow and I’m telling you, there’s no-one out there who disagrees with (topic X), everyone can see it’s plainly (true / accurate / scientifically verified)”.

e. TV Producer #1: (pause) “Oh, f*ck it…………. Just see if Andrew Bolt’s available”.

6. Rampant Consumerism. Thank you SO much, international corporations, for completely f*cking up at least four generations of women and one generation of men. Yes, apparently ALL women should aspire to be as feminine as possible, ignoring their physical traits and a skeleto-muscular system that’s quite obviously designed for running and lifting and moving. Muscles on a woman are just simply not acceptable, apparently. No, instead women, indeed all human beings can only be truly happy when they’ve attached the right accessories to their person and acquired the right possessions that will signpost their true personality to the rest of society. Because how you LOOK is the most important thing in life according these evil c*nts. You simply CANNOT be happy unless you look a certain way on the outside, with various THINGS draped on you and wrapped around you and dangling off you and surrounding your person. And you simply MUST have the right coloration and shape your hair a certain way as well, because these are all signifiers of what you’re LIKE AS A PERSON, right? All these things are like a code for the rest of society to interpret as you walk past, because, once again, you simply MUST ensure the rest of society really, truly understands YOU. That’s IMPORTANT. So thank you, international corporations , for making sure that all of Western society understands these home truths, that without that pair of earrings/bracelet/handbag/iPhone/garment/pair of shoes/eyeshadow/hair colour, you’re just not EXPRESSING YOURSELF as well as you should be. You’re just not YOU. People need to understand these are the things that are IMPORTANT in life, the things to be CONCERNED ABOUT. Once you’ve purchased all these things, then you’ll truly be happy. This season, at least. So get out there and spend to make yourself happy. Uh huh. Once again……….. GET. F*CKED.

7. Attention Seekers. You sad, pathetic pr*cks. You’re lacking something basic in your psychological makeup, aren’t you? You’d be a lot less irritating if you didn’t encroach on my enjoyment of social gatherings or my workplace chemistry, but that’s the exact opposite of what you’re all about, isn’t it? For those of us who can actually survive five minutes without someone knowing our opinion or being made aware of our presence, these are the people who drench their Facebook profiles with photos of themselves with famous or successful people (usually at large functions) and update their status every second day for months on end. They seem to think that people actually want to hear their opinions on any given topic at a party, and can apparently talk non-stop until all the oxygen within a ten metre radius is consumed. You’ll be able to spot these annoying d*ckwads at any given social event from across the room – they’ll be the one who, after their previous victim has excused themselves to go to the bathroom, immediately turns to scan the room with a pre-prepared look of what they hope is an invitingly-friendly expression, desperately hoping to catch someone’s eye so that they don’t have to suffer the excruciating agony of not saying a single word for up to five seconds. If they don’t catch some poor unfortunate glancing their way, you’ll then see them sidle up to a group of people already engrossed in an ongoing conversation, desperately trying to make eye contact like a baby searching for it’s mother’s nipple, and then shoe-horning their way into it with some braying statement related to the last sentence they heard. They’re also the ones who start looking like a smack junkie being denied their next hit when they’re prevented from talking by the start of speeches or an even worse Attention Seeker – all twitching eyeballs and shortness of breath and nervous, unconscious fidgeting. When you have two of these basketcases in a group at a party, just sit back and enjoy the show– you’re not getting a word in edgewise anyway. If this sounds like you, here’s a tip from an irritated non-Attention Seeker: Calm the f*ck down and try being the listener for a change. You’re really not that important no matter what you think.

8. Similar to the "1", the person who gets angry at their teammates while playing a team sport. Are you f*cking KIDDING me, pr*ck? Repeat after me: “Losing at sport does not get you shot in a back alley”. Oh, and team sports involve cooperation and working together – things that go out the window when someone arcs up at a teammate. Encouraging someone to do better usually works a lot better, but that’s not good enough for you, is it, pr*ck? Because that doesn’t let you vent your frustration as effectively as a good old-fashioned outburst does, does it? I don’t give a sh*t how bad someone messes up, they already know straight away if they’re playing sport – the feedback is instantaneous. You b*tching and moaning about the fact that someone messed up isn’t exactly going to suddenly make that person say “By God, you’re right – I DID fumble that pass! I didn’t even notice. Thanks dude”. And before you think it, no, you’re not motivating them and no, you’re not ensuring they don’t make the same mistake again, so stop justifying your baby-who’s-just-lost-their-bottle act and learn to control yourself. Just because you’re running around in short pants breathing heavy doesn’t mean you’ve suddenly stepped out of normal human society and been handed a moral responsibility to scream at another human being like they’re a misbehaving dog. So who’s the one who’s REALLY f*cking everything up, Diaper Dodger?

9. Know-It-Alls. Similar to Attention Seekers but even more irritating and blank-worthy.

10. Office Workers. Regardless of industry. Narrow-minded, snipey, gossipy, bitchy and condescending, these cubicle monkeys often think that anyone who doesn’t possess the very limited and specific knowledge they themselves have spent the past two years slowly acquiring is simply scum and not to be tolerated, let alone treated with respect. I should know, I work with them. People having to speak to these white-collar f*ckwits on the phone could be excused for wanting to put their sneering mugs through their computer screens.

11. People who think they know better than scientists. Un-f*cking-believable. Absolutely un-f*cking-believable. Seriously, how the F*CK would you know better, you arrogant chump? Honestly??? Jesus, this sh*ts me. Oh, so you don’t think climate change is happening? Uh huh, and you would be basing this opinion on what, exactly? Your extensive reading of The Courier Mail and talking about it with your mates down the pub? Or would it be your decades of scientific research examining every possible variable, informed and guided by your years of training in the Scientific Method, rejecting theories until cold, hard, measurable data gleaned from repeatable experiments and analysis prove them to be accurate? Because the latter is what scientists are trained in. They don’t have a day job that has nothing to do with what they’re expressing an opinion about (like you) – they do nothing else BUT study every aspect of what they’re talking about. That’s their life, every single day, researching and learning about the topic you think you know something about because you’ve seen a few two-minute summaries on the telly. In fact, they’re not even expressing an opinion, they’re reporting on cold, hard evidence that can be proven through repeatable experiments. Sure, scientists might make mistakes occasionally, but they make a shitload less than what you would trying to do what they do, and the mistakes they DO make are a lot closer to the truth of the matter than your spit-into-the-wind attempts. So, if you’re not a climatologist and you think that climate change is a myth, for example, just f*ck off back to your cubicle, no-one’s interested in your opinion.

12. Over-Competiveness. About the most immature trait a human being can possibly have, yet it’s held up as something admirable and positive in today’s society because, apparently, it’s what separates the men from the boys, the go-getters from the also-rans, the successful from the average. News Flash: No it f*cking doesn’t, it just shows that you’re a selfish, immature c*nt with emotional problems who people don’t really like. I know plenty of over-competitive people who aren’t captains of industry or professional sports stars – they’re the people no-one wants to be left with at the end of a party when they’re boozed to the eyeballs. Being over-competitive is simply one step away from being back in your little sandpit pushing other kids over for their toys. Seek help now.